kalau hari ini kita mencari untuk sesuatu yang tidak pasti, kita mesti pastikan pencarian esok yang pasti adalah sesuatu yang pasti dan pastinya sesuatu itu tidak akan berulang kembali...
Mama kata Mama datang masa konvo nanti. Mama kata Mama bawa bunga. Mama kata Mama nak jumpa kawan kita. Mama kata Mama nak tengok tempat belajar kita. Mama kata Mama nak ambil gambar dengan jubah kita. Tapi Mama tak kata macam tu Sebab Mama tiada Itu semua hanya impian kita
Menikmati rokok di waktu subuh dengan dingin mencengkam sambil memikirkan nasib diri. Fantastic. I will miss this moment. With this memorable environment. Silent.
Masa-masa macam ni banyak perkara terlintas di kepala. Maafkan diri sendiri. Kemaafan itu sesuatu keindahan. Yes truly beautiful.
Aku+Rokok+Sunyi+Emosi=Sepi
Will always Loving You. You know who you are. Won't stop reminding you.
Aku mengantuk. Aku penat. Baru lepas presentation. Getting not enough sleep ni. Rasa mo marah ja. Tidur pukul 6 tadi pagi. Lepas tu bangun pukul 7. Aduh. Sudahlah tadi tu tidur di lantai. Malas naik atas tidur di bilik. Lagi pun kalau aku tidur di bilik, aku berani confirm aku tidak bangun selagi belum pukul 12.Masalahnya sekarang ni bila sudah mengantuk pastu lepas presentation pula then ada discussion. I am not that kind of productive person if I'm sleepy. Buruk ja mood.Pastu di tengah discussion ada tutorial at 12. Sambung discusssion I don't know sampai pukul berapa. For sure, pukul 4 I need to go to the class. Kelas sampai pukul 6. I wish Encik Khai yang masuk kelas petang ni. Bukan Prof Zul. I like Prof Zul more tapi kondisi mengantuk ni memerlukan aku untuk balik awal.TIDUR. Sekarang ni pun aku cuba hilangkan mengantuk dengan menaip. AKu pun bukan tau mau taip apa. Just typing to puke some fool story(its not fool for me).
Aish. Apa lagi aku mau cakap mo kurangkan rasa mengantuk ni. Aduh.Menjerit ok ni. Tapi susah la kalau menjerit.Nanti semua orang tengok. Oh ya, for your information(macam berbual), aku di library ni.I mean MegaLab. Online while waiting Faye, Wan and Comot.Mau buat assignment paling mantap di dunia. Language Awareness. Aku sebenarnya bukan tau buat apa. Tambah-tambah tumpuan aku kurang sekarang ni. Risau juga aku termengamuk.
Terniat untuk ponteng kelas petang ni. Tapi sudah cukup banyak kali aku memontengkan diri(atas sebab tidak sihat kira ponteng ka?).Bertahanlah.
Semalam Earth Hour. Yah. Support. Tp agak kecewa sikit. bila tengok rumah depan lampu still on. Banyak yang cakap Earth Hour ni untuk menjimatkan tenaga elektrik. Yes. I am not denying it when we switching off the lite, kita jimat letrik. Tapi from my interpretation, Earth Hour more symbol of human unity towards the issue. Kita mungkin tidak mampu untuk mengurangkan sepenuhnya kebergantungan terhadap tenaga elektrik. Tapi why not we show a bit of awareness towards the issue by switching off the lite for an hour? Yang bestnya, mungkin benda boleh merapatkan hubungan persahabatan sekaligus. Sempat tengok a group of students(cakap aku bukan student), switch off the lite and duduk luar rumah. Nice...
Ok. TESL Nite. Seriously, quite frust with it. Bukan sebab organizer or what. Sebab diri sendiri. How come I forgot to appreciate those involve as AJK? Penat lelah sepatutnya dihargai. Thanks junior. Thanks Dr. Lee.
Apa lagi nak cakap? Sekarang ni aku belum tidur. Agak ringan sikit kepala. Hurm... Panggil Mamat Jeewang or anything. I just want to say I still loving you Dayang Shahfizah Ezyan. :) Ingat. You are nice girl. Wish all the best. Hurm... ehehe...
Sayang walau kebersamaan kita hanya sesaat Namun kau tetap bagian dari jiwaku Kuiringi kepergianmu dengan ikhlas hati Semoga kelak kita dapat bersatu lagi
Part of the Lirik.
Ok. Sebenarnya aku suda post. Tapi aku akan edit di mana-mana yang aku suka. This is my space. My site. I will get into it anywhere anytime. Right?
Bangun agak lambat setelah tidur yang agak lambat. But for me its not too late.
I smile wishing that my day will be bright as 'usual'. Going to the class. Everything usual. But when I'm going back, I realize I don't have enough time to be with my friends. And something different. Something that is not like before. Hairan. I feel like we were not as close like before we did. Something making us a part. I'm not really sure about that. May be its just emotion. PMS? I am a guy. Lonely guy. Guy with nothing. But I appreciate friendship. Because I believe that will be last forever.
Kawan. Tolonglah hargai semua ni. Jangan ajar aku untuk menidakkan semua ni. I love you all. I can sure you that.
Penat buat assignment. Rehat kejap. Meluruskan pinggang dengan berbaring. Harap-harap lepas ni aku bangun untuk sambung kerja la. Kalau tidak, mampos.
Untuk entri kali ni aku tidak kira. Kamu kata aku jiwang, sentimental or apa-apa pun. I just want to say I miss her so much. Damn much. Seriously missing her. I don't care. I want every one know. Its hurt when I lose her. Now I am alone. Totally alone without her. What left? Missing her and loving her with all I can. Yes I mean you. You know it.
Jadikan lena malam mu berteman mimpi indah Berselimut senyum qaseh Biar tanpa bulan yang terang Atau bintang yang setia Aku hanya mahu kata-katamu jadi cahaya lenaku.
-I send you nothing. I give you nothing. I am nothing.-
Nothing. Is it me? I am nothing? Nothing to you all? If I am nothing. I accept that. And if what I said was nothing, ignore. But if what had been happened was nothing, surely something missing. And that was everything.
Are you sure for what you had done? I know you think about this. How long you want it? Take your time. It was not mine. It was yours. And I know who I am. But I am not sure how to behave right to you. And I know I am fully damn person. But I think I am worth.
-Aku mengimpikan sesuatu yang mengakibatkan aku sendiri rasa sakit. Tapi kalau aku tidak mengimpikan benda tu, aku rasa lebih sakit. Jadi aku memilih untuk kurang sakit. Titis air mata selalu menemani tika aku hendak melelapkan mata.-
Cuba untuk menulis apa yang hati aku rasa. Entahlah. Semalam kawan aku kawin. Nevia. And tadi I mean siang tadi kakak angkat aku kawin. And Abg Awang pun tadi bersanding di Benoni. Nevia aku datang. Sebab its here in KK. And my friend pick me up to go there together. While Abang Awang, I cant. I have problem. Same reason why I am not attending Shidah(kakak) wedding. I want to but I cant. Don't ask why.
Thats all. Tiada nafsu untuk menulis. Tiada ghairah untuk berkata.
Done with the Penilaian presentation today. Not prepare. Nasib present tadi lecturer got meeting. So only present it in front of the other students.
My job tonight, editing the question test. In other words, buang item buruk and buat item baru. Ada sebelas lagi tu. Adoi... Pening. Tapi kepeningan macam ni agak selesa. Sebab benda macam ni buat aku agak tenang jiwa. Perasaan ni buat aku bertambah kuat. And aku tahu dia sentiasa ada datang.
"Selagi ada yang mendengar aku sudi berbisik. Selagi ada yang faham aku sudi berkata."
Quote ni cukup bermakna. Aku tahu akhir-akhir ni aku agak jiwa kacau.
"Abang Pie napa makin hari tambah lesu ni?" "Pie, napa ko tambah kurus?" "Aiks bro, muka tak bermaya je. Ade problem ke?"
Ni antara soalan yang selalu aku dengar.
"Cool dude. Don't be too stress," "Hei kawan, kembali pada diri ko yang lama,"
Ni pulak antara nasihat yang aku selalu dengar. Thanks sebab sudi menasihati. Mungkin aku ni agak keras kepala sikit. Sebab tu agak bebal untuk menerima nasihat.
Melalui tulisan orang akan lebih dekat dengan aku. Jelas menunjukkan aku terumbang ambing. Tapi menerusi realiti, aku lebih banyak mendiamkan. Tidak mahu berkata. Cuma kadang berkongsi untuk merehatkan.
"Kadang ada yang lupa di mana berakhirnya syurga dan di mana bermulanya bumi,"
Cuba aku dalami. Cuba untuk aku ungkapkan. Tapi perlahan aku diamkan.
It was Wednesday. I went to class like every Wednesday, but today I was the one who came early among all the other friends. Some of the classmates were here. Who cares about them anywhere? We were not that closed (this is one of the attitude we always did, yeah go on deny it but really that’s how people tend to be). So, I took the usual seats and sat there waiting for the others. The girls behind me were so scandalous over things that were not even cool in my eyes. I glanced myself in the mirror right beside me and I saw the girl behind me. She was so confident over things she said to the other friend, which I found out later, there is a short stories we were supposed to read but yeah I had not done the reading yet. Acting cool yet feeling stupid, I just sat there and listen to every conversation I can detect from the back. SICK! I was eyeing the door expecting my friends to come now when I saw her smiled at me. I smiled back but no conversation. How I regret that now when I think back. If only I knew only few days left…………..
Class started like always. Late. Punctuality was hard here. Again she was talking about it again and again, the same old stories Madam. Fortunately, I laughed every time I heard it. Sigh. Luck was on our side or that was what we thought when the short story we discussed today was not the other one I heard she talked about just now. We smiled to each other full of victory. Yet, same old dramas, we had not read this one as well. Feels good about it? Kinda. Now that a bunch of us did not read it yet, I felt even secure. But yeah.. Felt like a DIMWIT as well. How irritating to hear that she has read on this one as well. I know the routine already. She will talk and talk and talk behind us like a back up singer for the lecturer. Duh!! Stop it already! So, like I have thought, there she went from time to time we only heard her voice instead of the lecturer. Damn annoying wei... So as damn awful as I was, I looked at my other friends and do our eyes-talking and rolled eyes and sigh heavily. Obviously enough we did not fancy her talking at all but she never gets it anywhere. So, the class went awfully for us. I know and I realized that we were the only league having this pain-in-the-ass when it came to her talking this way. So sorry we just could not help it but HATE! When I think back about it, these were the attitudes that made us so close to her anywhere……… regret does not do us any goods now. If only we knew…….
Friday. I hated so much this morning class. Luckily it was him, my favorite lecturer's class. SEMANTICS. From the very first, all I know about this class was it has to do something with meaning. Yeah yeah! Extra credits for me here for not being dumb-ass in this. Smug grin. We went to class today with our eyes swollen for staying up till dawn doing our assignment. I had no ideas why an eleventh-hour works always the best, so we thought. So being restless tired and exhausted as we were, we found things were not as fun as usual. Yet being demon as we were, things people said and done evoked the stupidity of making fun of others in us. What was best when you were in all these unwanted moods were a good laugh out loud. So there we were, sat at the very front row looking so awfully hideous listening to every pronunciation made, every answer given and laughed our heart out over things only us realized was wrong and funny. I remembered to repeat what she said aloud and we laughed ourselves silly yet people around us did not even noticed the foolery we made. Thus, the only one who laughed their head off was us. It was damn pathetic when I think back of it nowadays. How mean I can be and how bad we were to do such a thing…… if only we knew.. We would not have done that stupidity… yet no one expect it to happen…….
Holidays were great. A week passed so here we were again. Monday. A tutorial class for SEMANTICS. Most of us were here even though it's Monday, as everyone knew it was the day of laziness to almost all of us. We discussed things we had touched the week before the holidays. Things were just great, we thought. Tuesday. No class. It's an official off day for us, the TESLIANS. Smug grin. We were always great in fixing our schedules. Wednesday. I did not attend the class today, was silly. We were having a mid term, I missed it. Very imprudence. Thursday. Morning class killed. My friends were being so concerned over the fact that I missed my mid term. Somehow, I will sit for it darling, don't worry your pretty little head about it. Sigh. Another class, the drama started. She was not around for almost a week now. For God sake, how on earth did we never realize about her absence??? She never absent a single class and this was so un-her. We realized something was wrong. We put hopes, we prayed for her safety.
Friday. Morning class again. Things were getting worst with all those stupid stories! Stop all the stupidity!! She will be here again, that was what we told ourselves again and again. However, there was something in the eyes of them who knew told me something was so wrong. Yet we had no rights to talk anything. Pray. Hope. That was the only thing we could give. Afternoon class. We were talking about her most of the time. Wondering what had happen. Where did she gone. Is everything truly going to be alright? Will everything be normal again? Hurt. Scared. Yet everything was normal between all of us. Lecturer being a stupid dumb-dumb today. He said something that maddened us so much. It was hurt to hear that. Showed some respect Mister! We were the closest one to her here in this hall. There were almost ninety of us here. Never said that kind of things again. She will be back. We were damn hurt by the statement made. We may not be close. We may be an asshole. Yet we were friends. We were like a family. At this time, I realized that we were so vulnerable. Regret slowly came creeping. Love evolved around us. To make us stronger made us as one.
Saturday. We still gave hope. We believe she will be back. Night. I was reading the book five person you met in heaven when I received a text message from one of my best friend saying she has no wrong to say this but she had gone! I was so shocked! The news really taken me aback.. I cant figure it out.. I felt pain in my heart. Hurt and extreme sadness came to me. She is one of us. The TESLIANS! We were like family and even though we were not so close but I can really feel the pain. I could not imagine how and what she had been through in the last minute of struggling for life! It hurts. Damn hurts to think about it. Even more painful when I think about what I have been to her all this while. Regrets. Hurts. It felt like someone had stabbed my heart. It was so painful. She, the sweetest girl among us, our pinky, the smartest one, has gone!!! I cried so hard. I abandoned the book. I lay on my bed. Speechless. Painful. Tears streaming down. I reached for my rosary. I prayed. A pray for a friend. The mean things we did really make us close. Sorry was not enough. If only we knew……
Sunday. This was a secret we had to keep. I told no one. Most of us knew about it but keep it to ourselves. They said this is official, yet keep mum is the best. Hurts. Night. Another friend texted me. The details of her condition. I could not bear it. I cried. How on earth anyone could do that to another human being. Hatred conquered me. Cruel. The world is getting old. I was told a last respect will be held for her on Tuesday. Monday. I stayed over at a friend's room in campus. Lots of unsaid things remained. Tuesday came. We woke early. Went to the place we were supposed to gather before we left. Everyone was in BLACK. Sadness. Mourning. Our journey to her place was taking more times than we thought. We were the last one to arrive. They were waiting for us. All of us, never care about the religion gather there in the church. How beautiful it was. She taught us about LOVE. As soon as we were all seated, her coffin was brought in. Extreme sadness. Cried. Hurts. Painful. Lots of undone business she left behind. There are lots of things she wanted to do. She was the bright student. I remembered everything about her.Her smiles. The way she talked. The way she dressed. Everything. I was so mean….. If only I knew…..
Now, here I am thinking about her these few days. I wrote this, the last few days she was there with us. It has been two months and twenty one days since she left us. She taught us of being as one. She taught us of LOVE. If only she seen us from up there, she knows how much we love her. How much she touched our lives. She was the reason we were close to each other now. She taught us how short this life can be. She taught us of caring. She taught us of never taking things for granted. Just like what we did to her. We people tend to say if only we knew…… we would not do this and that. But she has taught us of never to wait till something wrong happens to change and be true to others. She taught us so much. I miss her so much. We may not be close. Yes. But stupid things we did really make me close to her in the heart. I miss you dear friend… so sorry for everything. You live in us every single day. You may not be here physically but you are always in out heart. We love you more than you ever know…. You are always LOVED. May your soul rest in peace. (1986-2008)
Lots of love,
Nikita.
Suddenly I want to post this. To remind those who doesn't appreciate friendship. I don't want you all feel regret.
AKu rasa aku kejam. Tapi kalau aku x kejam, siapa pedulikan aku? Sebenarnya bagi aku, semua ni bukan kejam. Tapi semua ni proses kehidupan aku. BEtul atau x, kita tengok kemudian. Aku punya sebab untuk menulis macam ni. Mungkin hanya luahan. Mungkin ada yang membaca. Mungkin yang membaca mengerti. Mungkin tidak. Semua tu kemungkinan yang semua orang tak pasti. Mungkin aku sendiri tidak pasti.
Kita pernah rasa hidup kita tersepit dan kita cuba untuk memperbaiki keadaan. Sanggup untuk tersepit di tengah-tengah kerana tidak mahu berat sebelah. Tapi apa yang jadi akhirnya. Bila kita terbelenggu dengan sesuatu yang kita sendiri tidak tahu tapi tiada seorang yang menghulur tangan. Dan akhirnya kita membuat kesilapan dengan membiarkan sahaja. Kemudian kita akan dipersalahkan sedangkan kita menjadi mangsa kepada keadaan. Segala apa yang kita lakukan selama ini tidak akan dipedulikan dan mereka akan melihat kepada kesalahan yang baru dilakukan.
Mungkin ada yang tidak mengerti apa yang aku tulis. Tapi semua ni benda yang aku rasa. Apa yang aku rasa ni tidak salah dan tidak juga betul. Bergantung kepada tafsiran dan sudut perspektif yang kita ambil. Tapi akhirnya aku akan seorang memikirkan semua ni.
Pernah kita kira atau hitung segala apa yang kita dapat ni mampu menampung apa kita buat sebelum ni? Utiliti moral biasanya berada di tahap yang meragukan diri sendiri. Kita menerima sesuatu yang tidak setimpal dengan apa yang kita lakukan. Biarkan. Semua ni kehidupan. Kadang-kadang aku rasa semua ni macam ANJING. Tapi anjing tidak pernah bersalah.
Biarkan aku disalahkan. Biarkan aku sendiri. Kerana semua tu aku akan telan. Telan sendiri(Mungkin blog ni jadi teman). Biarkan. Biarkan. Biarkan.
Tapi jangan ingat aku tidak terseksa dengan pilihan aku. Aku terseksa melihat. Aku terseksa membiarkan. Aku terseksa tidak berada di sana. Tapi ini pilihan aku. Pilihan untuk mengelakkan aku lebih terseksa.
Actually I feel a bit dizzy. But suddenly I need to blog to ensure that I am not to depress with my life. I'm tired running. Really tired. I need a stop. Right now I stop and sit on the thorn thing. Just read the sentence between the line.
I don't know what should I think now. I have assignment(assignments actually) to do. But all of it in group. So I have to wait for others. And usually I am the last one working on it. Not because I am lazy. Allright... Yes I am lazy. Not worth to deny and find other reason.
Just a bit tension. DEKON. I want to involve but after thinking I have withdraw myself from production. I don't want to be liability to the production team. I don't want. I have commitment and its hard for to give my commitment in the training. So sorry. I try to meet you guys tonight if I am healthy enough. But I need to go to the lecture at 4. Even I am not phsyically ok for that.
Off
Credit to Julian Schnabel. Paiting of abstract emotion.
Pukul 8 pagi. Aku bangun awal hari ini. Tapi tidur yang agak melampau. Tidur menghampiri 10jam. Pening semalam. Semalam aku derma darah. Lama x derma darah. Sebenarnya aku x cukup rehat. Aku pg juga derma darah. Then masa kelasa aku sebenarnya aku start da pitam-pitam. Tapi aku kawal la. Sebab aku x mo orang lain tau. Dalam lingkungan pukul 6 tu aku rasa aku x mampu tahan dah. Jadi aku balik. Aku x datang latihan lagi. Maafkan aku. Aku akan tarik diri daripada DEKON. Ada sebab tersendiri. Hari ni aku rasa ok sikit. Tapi macam agak lemah la. Badan dah x sekuat dulu. Entahlah jiwa aku yang kacau ni buat aku rimas. Cuba lari dari kekacauan. For being honest, aku sendiri mula perasan badan aku dah susut. Bukan aku x jaga kesihatan. Tapi... Entahlah. Aku x tau apa mau tulis lagi. Jadi biarlah. Quote kawan aku cakaplah, "JUST DON'T DIE".
Sebenarnya dia sudah hilang lama. Dia hilang atau tidak, siapa peduli? Tiada siapa yang peduli. Kerana biar dia hilang, tiada siapa yang mencari. Jelas. Tapi kenapa dia mesti ke hutan itu? Apa yang ada? Dia mencari sesuatu. Apa yang dicarinya itu terus bergerak meninggalkan. Dia terus mengejar tapi dia tidak dipedulikan. Biarkan kerana hanya dia yang hilang. Tiada kepentingan.
Penat. Berlari. Sekeliling hutan. Bahaya di belakang. Tidak kelihatan apa-apa di depan. Di kiri dan kanan penuh keresahan. Aku penat. Aku patut berhenti? Berehat? Tapi di mana? Aku berlari seorang. Sebelum ni aku berlari ada yang memerhati. Sekarang ni aku berlari seorang. Tidak mengapa. Berlarilah dalam hutan ni. Sejauh mana aku mampu bertahan. Teruskan mencuba saja.
Buanglah aku ke laut yang dalam Biar aku lemas Buanglah aku ke api marak membara Biar aku terbakar Kerna aku bukan siapa Aku cuma orang Cuba menjadi manusia Teringin menjadi insan Dan yang pasti aku sentiasa berusaha Tidak berubah walau tanpa kiriman kata
Isu air di kampus Labuan. Perlukah berikan komen? Demo dah buat so xpe la. Yang pasti bukan mahasiswa/i je dapat masalah tu. Rasanya hampir seluruh Labuan menerima masalah yang sama. So tindakan ni ada baik(Ada jugak buruknya).
Actually I want to write more about this scenario, but I am not feeling well. Seriously I admit that I'm always falling sick. Peninglah. Now my throat sakit. Bukan sakit. Tapi macam luka kat dalam. Tapi no bleeding like usual. Peluang untuk menghapus dosa tu selalu datang kat aku ni.
Ok la. Cukuplah untuk update malam ni. Baru lepas study tuk midterm sikit. Midterm punya pasal, aku tak datang kelas Teknik Lakon tadi. Grotowski.
-Siapa aku? Hinakah aku? Buanglah aku ke laut yang dalam biar aku lemas. Buanglah aku ke api marak biar aku terbakar. Kerna aku bukan siapa-siapa. Aku cuma orang yang mencuba menjadi manusia. Kalau boleh menjadi insan. Dan yang pasti aku sentiasa setia. Tidak berubah walau tanpa kiriman kata.-
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